If you’ve gotten mail from me, you may have noticed that there’s a
randomly-generated tagline at the bottom. Here are some of the more
recent ones, that I haven’t sorted through yet. Some are by me; most aren’t. I’ve
linked to the original sources where creating a link didn’t involve a lot of work.
- No man is an island, but Gary is a city in Indiana.
- What is the sound of one HTH HAND clapping?
- “So… yeah.” – Eddie Izzard
- Outgoing messages are Turing Tested, and indistinguishable from human typing.
- More than just some of his parts.
- Clues really aren’t that expensive. Go get one.
- I like my coffee like I like my women: ground up and in the freezer.
- I’m deeply cynical about government motivations, and I vote.
- Pirate flag: -DARR_ME_MATEYS=aye
- “There’s a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think
that I walk that line every day of my life.” – Red vs. Blue
- If politicians didn’t need us, they wouldn’t bother lying to us.
- May contain sarcasm.
- “Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS’s is like saying
that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders” – bash.org/?top2
- LSD is for people who can’t handle Philip K. Dick.
- Excuse me, but I have minds to twist and values to warp.
- “Ann Coulter is the most successful troll in the history of
US yellow journalism.” – Brian Miller
- (Exeunt, pursued by missiles.)
- “Peut-on rire du malheur des autres? Ca dépend… Si le malheur des
autres est rigolo, oui.” – Geluck, Le Chat
(Is it okay to laugh at others’ misfortune? If the misfortune
of others is funny, then yes.)
- Sarcasm? Yeah, that’ll work.
- Extraordinarily idiotic claims require extraordinary snarkiness.
- “Asshole” is not an alternate lifestyle.
- If it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
- Secret hacker rule #12: hackers Google error messages.
- I don’t want “Fair and Balanced”. I want to know what the hell is going on!
- This isn’t rocket surgery.
- My invisible friend thinks you have issues.
- I don’t need therapy. I need money.
- “You don’t have to teach both sides of a debate if one side is a load of crap.”
— Bill Maher on Intelligent Design
- If a tree falls in your head, does it make a sound?
- It is now safe to turn off your computer.
- 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
- On second thought, do let the door hit you on the ass on your way out.
- Jesus forgave me, so why can’t my victims’ parents?
- Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything, but they still
bring a smile to your face whenever you shove them down a flight of stairs.
- Fight all you want. Your futile struggling amuses us. – The EAC
- The Web is the sum of all human knowledge plus porn.
— Ron Gilbert
- Give a man an answer, and he will stop pestering you. But teach
a man to Google, and he will be a nuisance for the rest of his life.
- I’m not nuts. I’m condiments. I’ve been promoted.
- Welcome to the internet. Where men are men, women are men,
and little girls are FBI agents.
- A rose by any other name might smell as sweet,
but coffee with a French name is an extra $3.00.
- You know you’re in DC when your cat doesn’t
just beg for food, he lobbies for it.
- I only eat vegetarian meat.
- “Remember, always be yourself. Unless you suck.” – Joss Whedon
- Jesus had two daddies.
- Keep your theology off my biology.
- Vows of abstinence break more easily than condoms.
- The rapture is not an exit strategy.
- Religious fundamentalists determined to strike within the United States.
- They hate us for our freedom fries.
- I don’t need an SUV. I already have a huge dick.
- First they came for Spongebob…
- Remember, with great power outages come great responsibility outages.
- Toute votre base sont appartiennent à nous!
- Faith may not move mountains, but you should see what it does to skyscrapers.
- You say heretic like it’s a bad thing.
- Jesus loves me, but only for my money.
- Blasphemy is a blast for me.
- Not available in religious
- If God made man out of dirt, why is there still dirt?
- Jesus died for our sins, so let’s fuck.
- Jesus love me long time!
- Religion is like underwear. We know you got it.
But we don’t want to see it in public.
- Future transitional fossil
- Can’t think for myself or God will smite me.
- Why kill them with kindness when you can use an axe?
- I only support gay marriage if both chicks are hot.
- I’m part of the problem.
- I taught your girlfriend that thing you like.
- Your sister is hot, but your mom does that thing with her tongue.
- Why couldn’t Dorothy throw water on Pat Robertson?
- “The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.”
— W. Somerset Maugham
- “If faith had such powers, why is it we didn’t accomplish anything in
science until we’d abandoned it?” — PZ Myers
- Arensburger’s Law: There is no task, software package, or piece of equipment
so simple that it cannot be made to require a dedicated admin.
- Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.
- If life really begins at conception, why do we celebrate Christmas in December?
- If we are all God’s children, what makes Jesus so special?
- Love the dinner, hate the din.
- I have a brown belt in Emacs.
- Theodicy recapitulates idiocy.
- There are two kinds of Republicans: millionaires and suckers.
- You’d be surprised how easy it is to herd cats when you sling an opened
can of catfood or spill milk willy-nilly in your desired direction.
- If all else fails, stop using all else.
- If at first you don’t succeed, blame marketing.
- Don’t take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.
- If it involves a meatloaf and a plunger, don’t do it.
- Meat is murder. Tasty, tasty murder.
- I want to leave this world the way I arrived:
screaming and covered in someone else’s blood.
- Just 2,358,088 more days until I start caring what you think!
- I’m not good at empathy. Will you settle for sarcasm?
- It doesn’t matter if you win or lose. It only matters that I win.
- Thank you. You may go.
- Shut up now while you’re still credible.
- Again, I find myself not giving a crap.
- How ’bout you go play “drink what’s under the sink”?
- Oh, gee, let me go find a container for my joy.
- Surely that isn’t your actual opinion.
- The more you talk, the less I care.
- Why do you bother?
- Why don’t you make like a mime and bleed to death in my trunk?
- What manner of jackassery will you subject us to today?
- Let’s be strangers.
- The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it’s on the list.
- I’d love to stay and chat, but no.
- Saturday has a morning?
- You call this a side quest?
- What manner of douchebaggery is this?
- If at first you don’t succeed, you must be installing Windows.
- Help! I’m online and I can’t get off!
- Bandwidth! More bandwidth!
- Honk if your keyboard has a horn.
- I get my revenge in the boss’s coffee pot.
- Well, my fun meter is pegged.
- Legally, it’s questionable. Morally, disgusting. Personally, I like it.
- I’m not cynical, everything just sucks.
- I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
- I’m great in bed. I could sleep all day.
- My giant robot can beat up your giant robot.
- Don’t bother me. I’m wasting my potential.
- No coffee, no workee.
- Examine your beliefs.
- Relish today. Ketchup tomorrow.
- Lead me not into temptation. Just tell me where it is.
- Think globally. Act galactically.
- To reveal secret message, tap with hammer
—> here <—
- Please put all criticisms in the form of a compliment.
- Spay Britney.
- Stop whining and plot your revenge.
- When life gives you scurvy, make lemonade.
- Avoid being scammed. Send me $5 to find out how.
- National Sarcasm Society.
Like we need your support.
- Have you read that Bible you’re thumping?
- Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician.
- If I’d known we stop getting recess, I would have refused to grow up.
- Life sucks, then life sucks some more.
- That which does not kill you still requires a co-pay.
- I’m not aging, I’m taking on an antique patina.
- Nothing says “I love you” like violating a restraining order.
- It’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.
- A bad analogy is like a leaky screwdriver.
- Don’t worry, I have a plan. I’ll need a lunch tray and a badger.
- Quotation marks are “not” for emphasis.
- Top ten reasons to procrastinate:
- Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.
- The police never think it’s as funny as you do.
- Fake is the new real.
- There’s no “I” in team, but there is in pie.
- I’d call you a cunt, but you lack both the depth and the warmth.
- Fuck vulgarity.
- Fuck off!
(This message brought to you by the First Amendment.)
- Sorry, I was just fantasizing about your death.
- You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,
but I can teach your grandma to suck cock.
- I signed up for Apathetics Anonymous, but never bothered to go.
- Fortune favors the bacon.
- Only slightly batshit unstable.
- I do all my own sex scenes.
- Uberpwnage. I has it.
- Zombies only love you for your brains.
- Danger: Snarky.
- Invisible giving a shit.
- Hewn from raw awesome.
- Hella snarky.
- Hold my beer. I’m being raptured.
- I reserve the right to tell you to go fuck yourself.
- Do you have any idea who I think I am?
- Only users lose drugs.
- There’s a fine line between “never say die” and dumb as a rock.
- There is no team in “fuck you”.
- I believe I was promised a jet pack?
- Do not set self on fire.
- Doing strange things in the name of strange.
- “Ow!” is not a safeword.
- Pie needs no explanation.
- If God didn’t want us to eat bacon, why did he make it out of bacon?
- Fuck you is the new fuck you.
- Never, ever pass up an opportunity to yell, “You clumsy fool!”