Politics · Religion

Guns for Tots

Here’s an idea: let’s give everyone a gun on their thirteenth birthday. After all, if we don’t exercise our second amendment rights, we’ll lose them, right?

But won’t having a bunch of teenagers with guns increase the risk of school shootings, or at least property damage, whether malicious or accidental? Of course. So they’ll need to be trained.

Now, it’s obvious that the only way never to shoot someone with a gun is never to use it. So that’ll be our core curriculum: you have a gun, but don’t use it.

In fact, let’s go a step further and make that our entire curriculum. Let’s not tell kids to keep the gun pointed straight up or straight down at all times, or what a safety catch does, or to make sure to unload it before cleaning it.

Let’s deny federal funding to any gun club or organization like the NRA that teaches so-called “firearms safety”. If you teach kids that guns can be used safely, that’ll only encourage them to shoot at stuff, and that’s just paving the road for an epidemic of Columbines.

Let’s encourage teenagers to pledge never to use their guns. No teenager would ever break a pledge in a moment of weakness, so there’s no point in wasting time on that “gun safety” nonsense.

No teenager would ever succumb to a moment of weakness at a party and try to twirl his derringer ‘cos all the cool kids are doing it. No twenty-something would ever think, “Gee, I’m not going to wait until I’m attacked to use my gun in self-defense. I’m going to go down to the range and shoot some rounds for fun.” Especially not the ones who have taken the pledge never to use their gun. Teenagers can’t be trusted with information, but they can be counted on to keep their word every single time.


Now, someone please explain to me why the above is an insane load of bollocks, but “abstinence-only sex ed” isn’t.