Tagline Dump

If you’ve gotten mail from me, you may have noticed that there’s a
randomly-generated tagline at the bottom. Here are some of the more
recent ones, that I haven’t sorted through yet. Some are by me; most aren’t. I’ve
linked to the original sources where creating a link didn’t involve a lot of work.

  • No man is an island, but Gary is a city in Indiana.
  • What is the sound of one HTH HAND clapping?
  • “So… yeah.” — Eddie Izzard
  • Outgoing messages are Turing Tested, and indistinguishable from human typing.
  • More than just some of his parts.
  • Clues really aren’t that expensive. Go get one.
  • I like my coffee like I like my women: ground up and in the freezer.
  • I’m deeply cynical about government motivations, and I vote.
  • Pirate flag: -DARR_ME_MATEYS=aye
  • “There’s a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think
    that I walk that line every day of my life.” — Red vs. Blue
  • If politicians didn’t need us, they wouldn’t bother lying to us.
  • May contain sarcasm.
  • “Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OS’s is like saying
    that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders” — bash.org/?top2
  • LSD is for people who can’t handle Philip K. Dick.
  • Excuse me, but I have minds to twist and values to warp.
  • “Ann Coulter is the most successful troll in the history of
    US yellow journalism.” — Brian Miller
  • (Exeunt, pursued by missiles.)
  • “Peut-on rire du malheur des autres? Ca dépend… Si le malheur des
    autres est rigolo, oui.” — Geluck, Le Chat
    (Is it okay to laugh at others’ misfortune? If the misfortune
    of others is funny, then yes.)
  • Sarcasm? Yeah, that’ll work.
  • Extraordinarily idiotic claims require extraordinary snarkiness.
  • “Asshole” is not an alternate lifestyle.
  • If it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
  • Secret hacker rule #12: hackers Google error messages.
  • I don’t want “Fair and Balanced”. I want to know what the hell is going on!
  • This isn’t rocket surgery.
  • My invisible friend thinks you have issues.
  • I don’t need therapy. I need money.
  • “You don’t have to teach both sides of a debate if one side is a load of crap.”
    — Bill Maher on Intelligent Design
  • If a tree falls in your head, does it make a sound?
  • It is now safe to turn off your computer.
  • 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
  • On second thought, do let the door hit you on the ass on your way out.
  • Jesus forgave me, so why can’t my victims’ parents?
  • Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything, but they still
    bring a smile to your face whenever you shove them down a flight of stairs.
  • Fight all you want. Your futile struggling amuses us. — The EAC
  • The Web is the sum of all human knowledge plus porn.
    — Ron Gilbert
  • Give a man an answer, and he will stop pestering you. But teach
    a man to Google, and he will be a nuisance for the rest of his life.
  • I’m not nuts. I’m condiments. I’ve been promoted.
  • Welcome to the internet. Where men are men, women are men,
    and little girls are FBI agents.
  • A rose by any other name might smell as sweet,
    but coffee with a French name is an extra $3.00.
  • You know you’re in DC when your cat doesn’t
    just beg for food, he lobbies for it.
  • I only eat vegetarian meat.
  • “Remember, always be yourself. Unless you suck.” — Joss Whedon
  • Jesus had two daddies.
  • Keep your theology off my biology.
  • Vows of abstinence break more easily than condoms.
  • The rapture is not an exit strategy.
  • Religious fundamentalists determined to strike within the United States.
  • They hate us for our freedom fries.
  • I don’t need an SUV. I already have a huge dick.
  • First they came for Spongebob…
  • Remember, with great power outages come great responsibility outages.
  • Toute votre base sont appartiennent à nous!
  • Faith may not move mountains, but you should see what it does to skyscrapers.
  • Jesus loves me, but only for my money.
  • Blasphemy is a blast for me.
  • Not available in religious
  • If God made man out of dirt, why is there still dirt?
  • Jesus died for our sins, so let’s fuck.
  • Jesus love me long time!
  • Religion is like underwear. We know you got it.
    But we don’t want to see it in public.
  • Future transitional fossil
  • Can’t think for myself or God will smite me.
  • Why kill them with kindness when you can use an axe?
  • I only support gay marriage if both chicks are hot.
  • I’m part of the problem.
  • I taught your girlfriend that thing you like.
  • Your sister is hot, but your mom does that thing with her tongue.
  • Why couldn’t Dorothy throw water on Pat Robertson?
  • “The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.”
    — W. Somerset Maugham
  • “If faith had such powers, why is it we didn’t accomplish anything in
    science until we’d abandoned it?” — PZ Myers
  • Arensburger’s Law: There is no task, software package, or piece of equipment
    so simple that it cannot be made to require a dedicated admin.
  • Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.
  • If we are all God’s children, what makes Jesus so special?
  • Love the dinner, hate the din.
  • I have a brown belt in Emacs.
  • Theodicy recapitulates idiocy.
  • There are two kinds of Republicans: millionaires and suckers.
  • You’d be surprised how easy it is to herd cats when you sling an opened
    can of catfood or spill milk willy-nilly in your desired direction.
  • If all else fails, stop using all else.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, blame marketing.
  • Don’t take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.
  • If it involves a meatloaf and a plunger, don’t do it.
  • Meat is murder. Tasty, tasty murder.
  • I want to leave this world the way I arrived:
    screaming and covered in someone else’s blood.
  • Just 2,358,088 more days until I start caring what you think!
  • I’m not good at empathy. Will you settle for sarcasm?
  • It doesn’t matter if you win or lose. It only matters that I win.
  • Thank you. You may go.
  • Shut up now while you’re still credible.
  • Again, I find myself not giving a crap.
  • How ’bout you go play “drink what’s under the sink”?
  • Oh, gee, let me go find a container for my joy.
  • Surely that isn’t your actual opinion.
  • The more you talk, the less I care.
  • Why do you bother?
  • Why don’t you make like a mime and bleed to death in my trunk?
  • What manner of jackassery will you subject us to today?
  • Let’s be strangers.
  • The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it’s on the list.
  • I’d love to stay and chat, but no.
  • Saturday has a morning?
  • You call this a side quest?
  • What manner of douchebaggery is this?
  • If at first you don’t succeed, you must be installing Windows.
  • Help! I’m online and I can’t get off!
  • Bandwidth! More bandwidth!
  • Honk if your keyboard has a horn.
  • I get my revenge in the boss’s coffee pot.
  • Well, my fun meter is pegged.
  • Legally, it’s questionable. Morally, disgusting. Personally, I like it.
  • I’m not cynical, everything just sucks.
  • I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
  • I’m great in bed. I could sleep all day.
  • My giant robot can beat up your giant robot.
  • Don’t bother me. I’m wasting my potential.
  • No coffee, no workee.
  • Examine your beliefs.
  • Relish today. Ketchup tomorrow.
  • Lead me not into temptation. Just tell me where it is.
  • Think globally. Act galactically.
  • To reveal secret message, tap with hammer
    —> here <—
  • Please put all criticisms in the form of a compliment.
  • Spay Britney.
  • Stop whining and plot your revenge.
  • When life gives you scurvy, make lemonade.
  • Avoid being scammed. Send me $5 to find out how.
  • National Sarcasm Society.
    Like we need your support.
  • Have you read that Bible you’re thumping?
  • Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician.
  • If I’d known we stop getting recess, I would have refused to grow up.
  • Life sucks, then life sucks some more.
  • That which does not kill you still requires a co-pay.
  • I’m not aging, I’m taking on an antique patina.
  • Nothing says “I love you” like violating a restraining order.
  • It’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.
  • A bad analogy is like a leaky screwdriver.
  • Don’t worry, I have a plan. I’ll need a lunch tray and a badger.
  • Quotation marks are “not” for emphasis.
  • Top ten reasons to procrastinate:
  • Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.
  • The police never think it’s as funny as you do.
  • Fake is the new real.
  • There’s no “I” in team, but there is in pie.
  • I’d call you a cunt, but you lack both the depth and the warmth.
  • Fuck vulgarity.
  • Fuck off!
    (This message brought to you by the First Amendment.)
  • Sorry, I was just fantasizing about your death.
  • You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,
    but I can teach your grandma to suck cock.
  • I signed up for Apathetics Anonymous, but never bothered to go.
  • Fortune favors the bacon.
  • Only slightly batshit unstable.
  • I do all my own sex scenes.
  • Uberpwnage. I has it.
  • Zombies only love you for your brains.
  • Danger: Snarky.
  • Invisible giving a shit.
  • Hewn from raw awesome.
  • Hella snarky.
  • Hold my beer. I’m being raptured.
  • I reserve the right to tell you to go fuck yourself.
  • Do you have any idea who I think I am?
  • Only users lose drugs.
  • There’s a fine line between “never say die” and dumb as a rock.
  • There is no team in “fuck you”.
  • I believe I was promised a jet pack?
  • Do not set self on fire.
  • Doing strange things in the name of strange.
  • “Ow!” is not a safeword.
  • Pie needs no explanation.
  • If God didn’t want us to eat bacon, why did he make it out of bacon?
  • Fuck you is the new fuck you.
  • Never, ever pass up an opportunity to yell, “You clumsy fool!”